PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
