also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
