I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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