Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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