we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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