Your face is a jimmy john
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Randomize
