You don't have asthma, your pregnant
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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