you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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