We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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