Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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