This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
