So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
why do cheetos always look like penises
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
