you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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