Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
