watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
