I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
