Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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