i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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