i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
