So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
