on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
