Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
