Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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