She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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