He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
