He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
