he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
