He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
