Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
