All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
