She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
