oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
