Im at strip club and am horny
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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