just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
