you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
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