I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
