Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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