I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
