I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
