I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Randomize
