Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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