I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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