when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
