You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
