I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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