Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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