you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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