It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
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