I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
