No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
