I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
