guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
